Friday, 14 August 2015


I have been through trauma before.
Lots of times.
Too many times.

I know I can survive it.
I have survived the worst kinds.
Sometimes more than once.

I have been blessed to know and love some of the strongest humans who roam this planet.
The ones who have endured unspeakable traumas.
The ones who are alive against all odds.


If dealt with properly, in an appropriate time-frame, trauma can build resilience.
It makes us strong.

But before it makes us strong, it quite often breaks us.
It breaks us quite very badly.

Sometimes there are teeny tiny, barely visible fractures that only someone who looked really closely would see.
But they are there.
Tiny slivers of brokenness
Always there.
Coated with a mask.

Sometimes, the human body is very clever and dissociates while the trauma is happening.
A self preservation technique.
A technique perfected by the abused.

Endure without experience.

It has been XX weeks since impact.

When I close my eyes, I can feel it.
I can feel the air being knocked from my chest.
I am back, vomiting violently from the pain you caused.
I can picture your face.
Hear your apology.

Why were you sorry?

You had a choice.
I didn't.

It stopped me functioning for a while.

Impact reminded me that I am human.

A friend reminded me that I am soft and squidgy.
Naturally, I defended my daily ice cream habit all too quickly, but the reality is this;

I am not invincible.
I feel pain.

And by god, am I feeling it still.

I have already survived this.
Don't think for a second that I haven't.

I am a survivor.
It is what I do.

I remember a time when I was fearless.
That time will return.
I just don't know when.

I used to be afraid of nothing.
Big statement huh?
I was afraid of nothing because I had survived the worst thing ever.

There are things that I probably 'should' be afraid of.
But I'm not.
I'm either hard, or I just don't care enough.
Maybe I'm too realistic.
Does it matter which?

I am not afraid of losing people – they are not mine to own or control.
Everybody dies.
I am not afraid of physical pain.
I am not afraid of failure.
There is nothing I cannot endure.

And yet......

I was strong.
I was determined.

I am none of those things now.
I am uncertain.

When the impact happened – you had a choice.
You took the option not to look.
Not to see everyone.
I let you know I was there. 
Yet you still put yourself first.
You were more important.

And now I am left with your consequences
So, that's nice.

I was the one quick to ask how you were.
At the time and in the days after.

When did you ask about me?
About how I am?
About whether it still hurts?
Whether there has been long term damage?

I am optimistic enough to hope for the best and realistic enough to prepare for the worst. 

Know your surroundings and expect impact. 
Expecting it doesn't make it OK. 
Nothing makes it OK.

Do no harm.

No human has the right to hurt or harm another. 

I was ready for this though.
Really ready. 
I expected it.
I knew.
It happened in slow motion and I was helpless to stop it. 
I watched, detached. 

So why the trauma if I was expecting it?
Because I couldn't know how it would feel when you made your choices

It hurt.
Did i mention that bit?
It hurt a very large lot. 

And now?

I am suspicious of everyone.

Look harder next time. 
Look much harder. 
Then look again. 
Really look.
Really see. 

See the person.
In the same way you would wish to be seen. 
In the same way you thought you were more important than anyone else that day.