I have been through
trauma before.
Lots of times.
Too many times.
I know I can survive
it.
I have survived the
worst kinds.
Sometimes more than
once.
I have been blessed
to know and love some of the strongest humans who roam this planet.
The ones who have
endured unspeakable traumas.
The ones who are
alive against all odds.
Survivors.
Heroes.
If dealt with
properly, in an appropriate time-frame, trauma can build resilience.
It makes us strong.
Somehow.
But before it makes
us strong, it quite often breaks us.
It breaks us quite
very badly.
Sometimes there are
teeny tiny, barely visible fractures that only someone who looked
really closely would see.
But they are there.
Tiny slivers of brokenness
Always there.
Coated with a mask.
Sometimes, the human
body is very clever and dissociates while the trauma is happening.
A self preservation
technique.
A technique
perfected by the abused.
Endure without experience.
Survive.
It has been XX weeks
since impact.
When I close my
eyes, I can feel it.
I can feel the air
being knocked from my chest.
I am back, vomiting
violently from the pain you caused.
I can picture your
face.
Hear your apology.
Why were you sorry?
You had a choice.
I didn't.
It stopped me
functioning for a while.
Impact reminded me
that I am human.
Vulnerable.
Fragile.
A friend reminded me
that I am soft and squidgy.
Naturally, I
defended my daily ice cream habit all too quickly, but the reality is
this;
I am not invincible.
I feel pain.
And by god, am I
feeling it still.
I have already
survived this.
Don't think for a
second that I haven't.
I am a survivor.
It is what I do.
I remember a time
when I was fearless.
That time will
return.
I just don't know
when.
I used to be afraid
of nothing.
Big statement huh?
I was afraid of
nothing because I had survived the worst thing ever.
There are things
that I probably 'should' be afraid of.
But I'm not.
I'm either hard, or
I just don't care enough.
Maybe I'm too
realistic.
Does it matter
which?
I am not afraid of
losing people – they are not mine to own or control.
Everybody dies.
I am not afraid of
physical pain.
I am not afraid of
failure.
There is nothing I
cannot endure.
And yet......
I was strong.
Fit.
Motivated
I was determined.
Focused.
Unafraid.
I am none of those
things now.
I am uncertain.
Weak.
Fearful.
When the impact
happened – you had a choice.
You took the option
not to look.
Not to see everyone.
I let you know I was
there.
Yet you still put yourself first.
You were more
important.
And now I am left with your
consequences
So, that's nice.
I was the one quick
to ask how you were.
At the time and in
the days after.
When did you ask
about me?
About how I am?
About whether it
still hurts?
Whether there has
been long term damage?
I am optimistic enough to hope for the best and realistic enough to prepare for the worst.
Always.
Know your surroundings and expect impact.
Expecting it doesn't make it OK.
Nothing makes it OK.
Do no harm.
Simple.
No human has the right to hurt or harm another.
I was ready for this though.
Really ready.
I expected it.
I knew.
It happened in slow motion and I was helpless to stop it.
It happened in slow motion and I was helpless to stop it.
I watched, detached.
So why the trauma if I was expecting it?
Because I couldn't know how it would feel when you made your choices
It hurt.
Did i mention that bit?
It hurt a very large lot.
And now?
I am suspicious of everyone.
Untrusting.
Faithless.
Look harder next time.
Look much harder.
Then look again.
Really look.
Really see.
See the person.
In the same way you would wish to be seen.
In the same way you thought you were more important than anyone else that day.