Running on empty

For the previous couple of weeks, I've started the weekend exhausted.

I've had to admit to myself that I was running extremely low reserves and my stores were depleted.

I have been training hard (yet feel like I should be doing more)
It stands to reason that something had to give.

I spoke to someone at work about this, telling him I couldn't afford to be ill (while he was coughing all over me), that it was likely my immune system was on its arse.

Little did I know that actually, I was referring to my emotional immune system.

That week, I had come face to face with a 13 year old girl, who, while I hadn't forgotten her, I had allowed her to slip quietly into the shadows for a while.
A familiar place for her. Somewhere she was unseen and unheard.

Work has been TOUGH.
Anyone who works with children knows that they are hard work.
Anyone who works with teenagers, know that the hard work can be quadrupled.
Add vulnerability in with that, separation from family, exam stress, historical abuse, violent families, living with a bunch of other teenagers who have suffered similar........ you get the idea.
And that's before you add individual crisis to the mix.

So, I'm knackered.

The kids have taken every shred of energy and positivity I own and have scurried away it for themselves.
Cos that's what teenagers do.
That's what humans do.
And the universe is based on energy exchange.

In place of all my bouncy stuff, they transferred all their crap and rubbish and negativity.
Then they ran away before I could give it back.
Plus, I didn't have that much to bat it off.... so it stuck... and got heavier.

(I wouldn't give it back.
They know that.
Lucky me.
Luckier them)

I have spent all of my professional life absorbing from kids - taking it and disposing of it makes it easier for them.
They don't even know they are doing it.
There are adults who don't know they're transferring, so why the hell should the kids?

But you know when you meet someone who makes your skin stand on end? Or gives you goosebumps?
Or their presence drains you? Or you fancy the pants off each other?
That's transference.

When you're with someone who loves you and you feed from their mood?
That's transference too.
Happiness is contagious n all that jazz.

Its one of the reasons I smile so much.
Or try to.
Its really hard not to smile back at someone who is smiling at you.
....and if you can raise a smile, however briefly, the brain responds and there is a little flurry of feel-good.
Lifting the lips in an upward direction makes chemicals in the brain dance.

In a past life, I used to be a pessimist.
But that was when I knew the 13 year old girl.
She became a 16 year old girl.
Both of these girls have tales to tell.
But not today.

I have come face to face with other past lives.

These have been unexpected visits, which have been stuff full of big feelings.
Mahoosive feelings in fact.

Fleeting visits filled with hope and adventure, vulnerability, forgiveness and more love than a heart can hold.

And suddenly, there was a shift.
This past weekend filled me with all the good stuff.
A swing of gargantuan proportion and my soul is shiny once more.

There is sufficient energy and joy - so much that I haven't been sleeping.

Me.
Not sleeping.
Yeah, I know.

But I feel ok - I feel good.
I feel fizzy on the inside without the cold water immersion.

I'd like to say its a throw back from the doom and gloom and energy sapping past few weeks, but I suspect it is more than that.
Time will tell.

For now, I am back to my giddy kipper-ish bouncy self.
There is no inner noise.
Only peace.

Happy, content silence.

Long may it continue.