Wednesday, 21 January 2015



1. a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.
2. an intention or decision about what one is going to do.

'Life happening' was touched on a number of occasions the other day while I was chatting with my Other Mother.

On more than one occasion, the phrase, 'this was never part of the plan!' was mentioned.
One instance was with reference to the direction my life has taken over the past couple of years and how far removed I am from the person I used to be.

When I walked through her door, less than 12 months after seeing her last, her opening words were 'what have you done with my Rachel?'
She was beaming. She could see how content I was.
She could see that life is good.

This current chapter of my life was definitely not part of the plan..... or not that I knew of anyway.
I suspect there was a Universal plan going on somewhere, but I certainly was aware of it!
Oh My God!
I am *SO* glad!!
It is a giddy making, nerve wracking, exciting, mahoosive, unexpected(ish), exceptionally welcomed, awesome adventure full of possibility and hope and unknown.
It is utterly glorious and I am so very blessed.

I am going to grab it with both hands and squeeze every drop of goodness out of it.

Well.... that's the plan for it!
If life happens, it will have to work along side the plan.
They will have to find some kind of harmony.

I cannot ignore the fact that I had amazing plans as I was growing up and these didn't come to fruition.
I had planned that I would be married with children by the time I was 24 years old. No idea why 24, but that was always the age. I would have a boy and a girl.
My childhood fairy-tale was so very entrenched that I actually believed it would come true.
Boy was I wrong!!

I guess I had lots of plans for my childhood that never came true. Like someone telling me I was adopted. This one was no different really.
My plans and wishes got jumbled.

So.... when I was turning 30, and neither marriage nor babies had happened, I slipped into a chasm of despair at my own failings.
30 was my bad age and I am convinced that my own limitations of what I thought I could and should be, were directly responsible for my unhappiness at that time.

30 was the age I set the wheels in motion to change everything- and while it felt very negative at the time, I can honestly look back at it as a massive positive.
Everything negative in my life has helped me be the person I am today - and one of the absolute worst experiences, turned out to be one of the best..... because it forced me to take action.

Even if we get some of our plan - it can suddenly shift direction and take us by surprise.
Illness can strike, relationships drift apart, needs change and can go unrecognised and unmet as a result, life circumstances change and The Universe has its own agenda.
All we can do is respond as best we can and hang on to our hats until the unexpected has passed.
Sometimes, the unexpected sticks around and we have to change the shape and colour of our plans.
The route can be bumpy and lumpy, but that doesn't mean we can;t get to where we are going.

So... what are my plans?

I plan to be happy and content.
I plan to live in a state of peace.
I plan to be forgiving and compassionate.
I plan to consider others and put them first.
I plan to be selfish when I need to be. I will not have an issue with doing this.

I plan to want what I have.
And occasionally, I plan to have what I want.

I plan to give my all in the events I have committed to.
I plan to be honest with myself and others about effort, progress, and potential outcomes (in all areas of life)
I plan to take each ounce of goodness and joy out of life (while ever I am not crippled with SAD and even then, I plan to fight like hell)
I plan to grab life with both hand and hang on tightly. And help others do the same.

I plan to be the best version of myself that I can be each and every day.

I plan to swim daily. And get faster. And swim further.
I plan to stretch and meditate daily as well as doing core strength work.
I plan to be fricking awesome - and suck it up and shift it as soon as possible when I am a little bit below awesome.
I plan to have a little lot of an EPIC year.

And for the record....
I know where I want to be.
I know EXACTLY where I want to be.

I have a plan.
Do you?

Monday, 19 January 2015

Blue Monday

The media have informed me that today is Blue Monday.
There was a song about that wasn't there?

My issue isn't with Monday as such - I work shifts, I don't have weekends in the typical way other people do, so Monday is OK as far as days go.

But today is the day that the world feels blue and glum. 
People drop their new years resolutions cos implementing change is hard and takes time and patience and occasionally lots of failing and trying again.

They get their credit card bills from Christmas and potentially realise that they bought people they don't like, a load of tat that cost a fortune. In best case, they bought people they love, things they wanted - but they still have to now pay the debt.

I've ranted about Christmas before so wont again - but yes, it impacts on how people feel come January.

The radio reported that today 'depression' is the most searched word in Google - or something like that. 
Thats quite worrying -that people feel as though they could be depressed and the media are saying 'its just a thing caused by Christmas and the new year'.  
It could stop people seeking the help and support they need.

I am currently in a state of what can only be described as confusion. 
I don't have the Monday Blues, or January Blues.
I am quite happy thank you.
Except I'm not.... I am... you just wouldn't tell I am

I'm depressed and it is tarnishing everything in my world - it is impacting on other people *again* and I don't want it to.

It is tainting the way I react to things and view things. 
It is stealing my joy, my motivation and my zest for life.

Last year, I wrote about Feeling SAD and about how I am always taken by surprise. 
Last winter was a good one. 
This winter is NOT a good one.
The only difference being, I am crying less.
I tried to combat it with Happy Tablets when September rolled around - being proactive and all that jazz. The happy tablets are the only reason I am crying less - the apathy for life remains - that part is unchanged. 

The sparkle from my soul is buried at the bottom of the heavy rucksack again - and well, I just don't have enough energy to shine at the minute. 

And yet - I have all the things to motivate me and all the things to be a giddy kipper about.

This year is full of Adventure and Exciting - and currently, I just feel a bit underwhelmed. 

I know that this too shall pass.  It always does.
OK, sometimes its as late as April, Sometimes as early as February. But invariably it passes.

Next weekend will bring me cold water euphoria and cuddles with friends who will lift my soul while it can't lift itself.

But if you are one of the people feeling 'a bit blue', ask friends to keep an eye on you, keep a log of moods, diet, sleep, visit your GP, have a chat, if there are things causing stress, ask for help in identifying what these might be, seek support in reducing stressors. If money is an issue, speak to your bank, the CAB, visit money saving websites or MA. Tart your credit card to an interest free to make it more manageable.  

Don't be alone with 'the blues' or depression.
Don't shut people out or push them away. 
Let them love you*. 

*I am mainly speaking to myself when i write this