Thursday 5 September 2013

I am alive


I set a goal in December 2010, somewhere between stopping smoking and being too poorly to commit suicide.

Depression was eating me alive. Literally. And had been since somewhere before my 30th in June that year. My mental health was in tatters and I hit the point where I could no longer bear to listen to the noise and voices that plagued me constantly.

My amazing friend Signe (@signj) had bought me my first open water swim as my 30th present, to challenge me and prove that life was good.
I completed Great Salford Swim in Sept 2010 in 44.53 doing what I call 'old lady breaststroke' I was wearing a £3 eBay shorty surfing wetsuit. I beat the goal I had set myself by 7 seconds.

At that point I was a couple of stone heavier, a drink, a smoker n exercise was an alien concept.

But I loved swimming in open water. I loved it almost as much as I hated it.... So much so I wanted to be good at it. It had cast a spell on me n I was hooked.

I started to teach myself how to swim crawl and decided to stop smoking, all the while looking at other races I could do.

That first race was in the September, I was still consumed by depression, living a half life. It was getting better slowly, but as winter set its dark n gloomy clutches on me, as Christmas loomed and as the Champix kicked on to help me kill my nicotine monster once and for all.... It all became too much.

Luckily for me, I got the flu.
I was house bound, trapped with only my monsters for company, having a constant conversation with the voice of doom that lived within.

By the time I had the energy to obey the voice and silence the monsters, my will to survive had grown a little, it wasnt quite a will to live, but it was a start.

I chose life..... And I set a goal.

In the Jan of 2011, Brigadoom (properly aka Brighouse) opened a new pool and gym. It was in my route to work n had access to Stroke Skills, SwimFit and Gym programmes. Whoop! I joined.

I remember approaching Jill (my coach) on the poolside at my first stroke skills class and telling her my goal.  "I want to be an age group open water swimmer. I want to be good at it. I want to do it by the time I am 35"

She didn't laugh at me.
"We can do it before then" was her response.
She hasn't seen me swim at this point. I could barely manage 50m free.

And yet somehow, she believed in me.

We have worked, my times have dropped. We both admit I am a distance swimmer, I am NOT built for speed. I hate training, I hate competing, but I love what both things give me.

I have learned so much about myself while reaching this point. The emotional journey has been immense!!
I have grown in confidence in all areas of my life, outgrown friends and relationships and developed professionally. I have faced n killed a large amount of monsters.

I have learned I am strong.
I am stronger and braver than I dared to believe.
I discovered that I am more than a little bit weird - and I am ok with that - weird is good.
Weird says, I know who I am and I'm proud to be me.
I have learned that I am worth so much more than I previously thought.
I'm worth the best.

Along the way, I have met some amazing people (and continue to do so and be inspired by everyone's story) I am blessed to love some of these people and call them my friends.

I discovered that in the water, for what I think was the first time in my life, I was accepted.
I am accepted. I feel at home.
I belong.
My physical flaws are exposed in all their lumpy-bumpy glory. It's not possible to hide under the water. I don't need to.
I am held by the water, I am contained, I am safe.

The friends I have made are all a touch odd in their own way, all are a little eccentric, all have shiny souls of epically gargantuan proportions and all ridicule, torment and laugh at one another at every available opporchancity.... But the support is like nothing I have ever experienced.

It is unconditional. It is awesome.
Some of those I swim with, my friends, some of them don't know that they saved my life each day for a very long time.

You will never realise the importance of your presence in my life.

I really am a lucky lady.
I truly am grateful for your friendship and everything it brings (generally food!! ... Haribo... Beige food....)

And so to the swim....
I don't think for a second I will do very well.
I may even be last in my age group.
But that's ok.
That's more than ok in fact.
I am here. In Eindhoven. At the European Masters.
I am alive.

I chose life.... And life is good.

In fact, life is fricking awesome. My life is fricking awesome.



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