Should I?

On Sunday I successfully ran my first half marathon.
13.1 miles.
It was a hilly course and I have been assured by various people that it is known to be a toughy due to the nature of the first 7 miles being mainly uphill.

I had trained for it. Well, not *that* half marathon specifically.
What I have trained for is a half marathon after a 56 mile bike ride, which I will do after a 1.2 mile swim.

Or at least..... I thought I had.
Currently I don't think I've trained anywhere near enough.

My performance on the day led me to be flooded with all sort of feelings.
Disappointment, anger and failure were the main culprits.
There was certainly no pride or sense of achievement. All the happy good stuff was drowned out by gloom.

I was annoyed with myself that I had gone out too hard.
Yeah, yeah, everyone does it, lessons learned n all that jazz.

I know, I know.

I knew I was going out too hard.  I was behind the 2 hour 10 pacer and went past her.
Even though I'd decided this was the pace I was going for, I went sailing past.
I had the conversation with myself that I was going out too fast and *should* drop back.

But I felt good.  I felt happy.  I wasn't going *too* much faster.... just a bit.
That was ok.

Turns out, it wasn't ok.
It wasn't ok at all.

The wheels fell off in spectacular fashion and I started to get a very bubbly churny feeling in my stomach.
I had a gel at the 1hr 30 mark n felt a little bit queasy.

Then for the laugh, I drank, what turns out was probably too much water.
And carried on running. Cos I'm clever like that. And that's what you do in a half marathon.  You carry on running.

Needless to say, after going to hard, too fast, up hill, the contents of my stomach and I parted ways after as much hanging on as we could muster.

Once I'd been sick, my body gave in.
Moving hurt, let alone running. But I kept moving. Verrrrrrrrrry slowly. But moving none the less.  I didn't want it to take me more than 2 hours 30.
Somehow I was now over the 2 hours and had what seemed like forever left.
The sooner I got to the line, the sooner it would be over.

Why are the last 2 miles twice as long as all the other miles? How does that work?

Anyway, I finished. I finished in 2.29.
Under 2.30.

Huzzah.
But I wasn't satisfied.
Not cos I think a half marathon is easy. I know its not.
I had trained. Hard enough? Probably not.

The real issue, and the reason I am blogging, is because I allowed other people to give me their *should*
And like a muppet I absorbed them.

I *should* be able to run it in 2 hours.
Yeah.  I probably should.  A lot of people did.
I only started running in December.

I *should* have stuck with the pacer.
Yeah.  I probably should.
I didn't. I went with how I felt on the day and learned a lot more this way.

I *should* have worked harder at my fueling and liquid intake.
Yeah. I probably should.  It was warmer than I like and I know for next time I probably don't need as much liquid as I think I do.

I *should* have trained harder.
Yeah. I probably should have. But I've been busy ya know, training for other stuff like the bike bit (which won't be good enough on race day I'm guessing), doing other important stuff like working.
And I hate running.

And I would've probably still got it wrong.


In 15 days time, I will complete my next half marathon.
Before I complete it.... no, before I even *START* it, I will have traveled 57.2 miles under my own steam.
And no matter how well I do (just finishing will do me thanks), it will not be good enough for some people.

For a while, its likely I will include myself in the *should* category.... but actually, I don't need anyone's approval.
I don't need anyone to tell me what I *should* and shouldn't be able to achieve.

Sadly, sport can be measured.
There are times and comparisons that can be made.

Whether you do well or not is not measured on where we begin. It is measured on where we finish.

It is often measured on other peoples expectations... and whether they want us to succeed or fail.
Their own motivation and drive plays a part, as does their own achievements. Their relationship with us is influential, along with their role in our journey.

I don't need to be carrying *shoulds* on race day.
Mine or anyone else's.
I have enough to be thinking about ta.

You are welcome to think whatever you wish about how I *should* perform, or how hard I *should* have trained, or what time I *should* be able to finish in based on previous facts and figures.

I'm certain, there will be some people (who are big enough to know better) who will pass judgement on whether *it* is 'good enough', on whether *I* am good enough.

There are people who know will know the lengths it has taken, and those who will never push themselves to find out.

Either way, nobody else can travel my journey.
So, you can *should* all you want.
I'm not interested.

Ta for the thoughts though x