Monday, 10 April 2017

Brain fog update

Since posting my last blog on what depression sounds like, I have been working REALLY hard to make my head a happier place to be.

I have done all of the self care.
All of it.

I have swum in the outside and on the inside.
Mainly in the outside.
Sometimes twice in one day.
Different puddles for maximum effect.

I have run.
I have run 26.2 miles in one go and knocked 18 minutes off my previous time. (not a completely true statement, I walked some of the 26.2 miles)
I have run with friends.
I have celebrated friends becoming marathon runners.
I have given myself blister under my toes nails which are GLORIOUS for 'self harming without actually self harming' purposes.

I have taken myself to the theater.
I have sung badly.
And loudly.
In public.

I have been to weekly flying lessons.
Oh my god, how much do I love aerial yoga.
It is the best thing ever ever ever.
I just can't hold on to the feeling when I leave the studio.
And sometimes, I don't even feel it - I just know that I love it.

N sometimes that's worse....
Knowing that you are doing something that gives you immense joy but feeling NOTHING.
It makes it pointless.

I am currently borrowing someone else's woofers.
I have 8 furry legs in the house for cuddles and playtime.
I am obsessed with paws.
Labradogs are amazing.

I have stabbed things.
Mainly wool into felt to create art, but you know..... stabby none the less.

I have ridden my bike. In the outside.
Ok, so I have been judged for being a fatty while riding my bike, and had abuse hurled at me, but hey, I know what these legs can do thanks.
My podge kept my from becoming hypothermic during Norseman.
It has kept me swimming in the outside all winter.

Podge has its place, people.
Never forget that.

Somehow I managed to be braver than my inner monologue for more than 90 minutes while I was on my bike.... in the outside, avec traffic, on real roads.
Minor victory, right there.
Fuck me, it made cycling twice as exhausting.
And I might* have been a little bit abusive back to the driver and passenger who gave me a load of grief.
What can I say?
My filter isn't working yet.

I have only cycled outside once.
But.... its more than I've done all year and seemingly, I have a 70.3 race in 6 weeks.

(I should add that I've made it onto the turbo, maybe as many as 3 times - I am NAILING the training at the moment**)

I have slept - so very much.
And sometimes, sleep has evaded me.
There is no logic to when I can or can't.
It just is.

My anxiety about certain things is still stupidly high.
My anxiety is mainly about stupid things to be fair.
I still have extremely intrusive, negative thoughts.
These are mainly about myself.
There is LOTS of wasted energy.

But...... I have stopped planning my suicide.
So that's a win.
I am still at war with myself.
But I am working REALLY hard to win that too.

Each day is a battle.
Sometimes the battles are in 5 minute bursts and its all I can do for the day.
Some I win, some I lose.
Sometimes there are a million battles.

I shall keep on keeping on.
For now at least.

* Totally was
**This is me being VERY sarcastic and telling lies.


  1. Please keep blogging. Your words help people. More than you know.

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