I was blessed enough to go on a mini adventure recently and I fully intend on blogging about my awesome experiences in deepest darkest Wales, jelly-fish hunting in wonderful wonderful Copenhagen and of course my little splish in Eindhoven (followed by the extended mooch round Amsterdam).
However, life has other plans for me. It is in a state of shift at the minute and everything is a little chaotic with no routine just yet.
My secondment is coming to an end - next week in fact. I have 2 shifts left to work.
I can't begin to explain how mixed my feeling are about this.
I will miss the kids. A very large lot. There will be a little hole in my life - I know other kids will fill it, but I have loved a couple of these kids for a long time now.
I was originally seconded for 3 months - that was 2 n half years ago....
I have been on a bumpy journey at the Home I work in currently. Its been hard. There have been a million managers (slight exagggeration, there have been 756, 329). There have been battles with kids, other professionals, neighbours and staff alike. There have been poor Ofsted reports which we have turned around to be good across the board. There have been tears and fighting and giggles and holibobs.
There are now friendships with people who radiate warmth and loveliness from every pore - they are outstanding at their job. I truely hope their shiny doesn't get dulled in the years to come by the cynics.
I went in with the intention of infecting some people with my eternal optimism.
I know I have been successful on some level. I know I have touched a few lives in a positive way. I can see it happening and there have been shifts in attitude in staff, calmness in the kids.
I hope it lives on after I have gone - and I think it will.
I wanted to turn the Ofsted around and that has been accomplished, the kids have left school and started college. My work here is done.
The next chapter sees me going back to my old place of work as Residential Care Officer. I get to play out with the kids again. Whoop!!! New lives to infect with magic and mentalness.
The team hasnt changed much since I have been away - so I know what I am going into. I know who will bitch and bite, who will poke and provoke, who will laugh and love.
However, I am not the person I was. I have grown so very much, I have grown in every way.
In the years that I have been away, I found the courage to face the skeletons that were living in my cupboard and destroyed the demons. I have set goals and achieved them... and I am still growing.
Half Outlaw 2014 is entered, I am giving thought to which will be my full Ironman in 2015, I have been saving for the World Masters next year, and I have agreed to one way Windemere next year. I need to find, no, make, time to train.... and sleep.
My life is full. Very full.
I have applied for another secondment as deputy - this time part time, so if I am successful, my role and buildings will be split (God knows how that will work - shifts in 2 locations?!? WT actual F??)
I have just been offered a place at Uni part time to complete a management qualification, I am starting my swimming coaching qualification soon.... and somewhere in that I need time for my friends - who of course have full complicated lives..... That doesn't even include time for sitting in front of the fire painting, reading and contemplating why my bellybutton fluff is always the same colour.
I am a little bit sad to be leaving - but i know i will be leaving a little bit of myself behind and moving forwards - and in this case, it literally means taking a step back.
If I don't get the secondment post, that will be fine.
I have enough going on to keep me out of trouble..... for now at least.
Friday, 20 September 2013
Thursday, 5 September 2013
I am alive
I set a goal in December 2010, somewhere between stopping smoking and being too poorly to commit suicide.
Depression was eating me alive. Literally. And had been since somewhere before my 30th in June that year. My mental health was in tatters and I hit the point where I could no longer bear to listen to the noise and voices that plagued me constantly.
My amazing friend Signe (@signj) had bought me my first open water swim as my 30th present, to challenge me and prove that life was good.
I completed Great Salford Swim in Sept 2010 in 44.53 doing what I call 'old lady breaststroke' I was wearing a £3 eBay shorty surfing wetsuit. I beat the goal I had set myself by 7 seconds.
At that point I was a couple of stone heavier, a drink, a smoker n exercise was an alien concept.
But I loved swimming in open water. I loved it almost as much as I hated it.... So much so I wanted to be good at it. It had cast a spell on me n I was hooked.
I started to teach myself how to swim crawl and decided to stop smoking, all the while looking at other races I could do.
That first race was in the September, I was still consumed by depression, living a half life. It was getting better slowly, but as winter set its dark n gloomy clutches on me, as Christmas loomed and as the Champix kicked on to help me kill my nicotine monster once and for all.... It all became too much.
Luckily for me, I got the flu.
I was house bound, trapped with only my monsters for company, having a constant conversation with the voice of doom that lived within.
By the time I had the energy to obey the voice and silence the monsters, my will to survive had grown a little, it wasnt quite a will to live, but it was a start.
I chose life..... And I set a goal.
In the Jan of 2011, Brigadoom (properly aka Brighouse) opened a new pool and gym. It was in my route to work n had access to Stroke Skills, SwimFit and Gym programmes. Whoop! I joined.
I remember approaching Jill (my coach) on the poolside at my first stroke skills class and telling her my goal. "I want to be an age group open water swimmer. I want to be good at it. I want to do it by the time I am 35"
She didn't laugh at me.
"We can do it before then" was her response.
She hasn't seen me swim at this point. I could barely manage 50m free.
And yet somehow, she believed in me.
We have worked, my times have dropped. We both admit I am a distance swimmer, I am NOT built for speed. I hate training, I hate competing, but I love what both things give me.
I have learned so much about myself while reaching this point. The emotional journey has been immense!!
I have grown in confidence in all areas of my life, outgrown friends and relationships and developed professionally. I have faced n killed a large amount of monsters.
I have learned I am strong.
I am stronger and braver than I dared to believe.
I discovered that I am more than a little bit weird - and I am ok with that - weird is good.
Weird says, I know who I am and I'm proud to be me.
I have learned that I am worth so much more than I previously thought.
I'm worth the best.
Along the way, I have met some amazing people (and continue to do so and be inspired by everyone's story) I am blessed to love some of these people and call them my friends.
I discovered that in the water, for what I think was the first time in my life, I was accepted.
I am accepted. I feel at home.
I belong.
My physical flaws are exposed in all their lumpy-bumpy glory. It's not possible to hide under the water. I don't need to.
I am held by the water, I am contained, I am safe.
The friends I have made are all a touch odd in their own way, all are a little eccentric, all have shiny souls of epically gargantuan proportions and all ridicule, torment and laugh at one another at every available opporchancity.... But the support is like nothing I have ever experienced.
It is unconditional. It is awesome.
Some of those I swim with, my friends, some of them don't know that they saved my life each day for a very long time.
You will never realise the importance of your presence in my life.
I really am a lucky lady.
I truly am grateful for your friendship and everything it brings (generally food!! ... Haribo... Beige food....)
And so to the swim....
I don't think for a second I will do very well.
I may even be last in my age group.
But that's ok.
That's more than ok in fact.
I am here. In Eindhoven. At the European Masters.
I am alive.
Depression was eating me alive. Literally. And had been since somewhere before my 30th in June that year. My mental health was in tatters and I hit the point where I could no longer bear to listen to the noise and voices that plagued me constantly.
My amazing friend Signe (@signj) had bought me my first open water swim as my 30th present, to challenge me and prove that life was good.
I completed Great Salford Swim in Sept 2010 in 44.53 doing what I call 'old lady breaststroke' I was wearing a £3 eBay shorty surfing wetsuit. I beat the goal I had set myself by 7 seconds.
At that point I was a couple of stone heavier, a drink, a smoker n exercise was an alien concept.
But I loved swimming in open water. I loved it almost as much as I hated it.... So much so I wanted to be good at it. It had cast a spell on me n I was hooked.
I started to teach myself how to swim crawl and decided to stop smoking, all the while looking at other races I could do.
That first race was in the September, I was still consumed by depression, living a half life. It was getting better slowly, but as winter set its dark n gloomy clutches on me, as Christmas loomed and as the Champix kicked on to help me kill my nicotine monster once and for all.... It all became too much.
Luckily for me, I got the flu.
I was house bound, trapped with only my monsters for company, having a constant conversation with the voice of doom that lived within.
By the time I had the energy to obey the voice and silence the monsters, my will to survive had grown a little, it wasnt quite a will to live, but it was a start.
I chose life..... And I set a goal.
In the Jan of 2011, Brigadoom (properly aka Brighouse) opened a new pool and gym. It was in my route to work n had access to Stroke Skills, SwimFit and Gym programmes. Whoop! I joined.
I remember approaching Jill (my coach) on the poolside at my first stroke skills class and telling her my goal. "I want to be an age group open water swimmer. I want to be good at it. I want to do it by the time I am 35"
She didn't laugh at me.
"We can do it before then" was her response.
She hasn't seen me swim at this point. I could barely manage 50m free.
And yet somehow, she believed in me.
We have worked, my times have dropped. We both admit I am a distance swimmer, I am NOT built for speed. I hate training, I hate competing, but I love what both things give me.
I have learned so much about myself while reaching this point. The emotional journey has been immense!!
I have grown in confidence in all areas of my life, outgrown friends and relationships and developed professionally. I have faced n killed a large amount of monsters.
I have learned I am strong.
I am stronger and braver than I dared to believe.
I discovered that I am more than a little bit weird - and I am ok with that - weird is good.
Weird says, I know who I am and I'm proud to be me.
I have learned that I am worth so much more than I previously thought.
I'm worth the best.
Along the way, I have met some amazing people (and continue to do so and be inspired by everyone's story) I am blessed to love some of these people and call them my friends.
I discovered that in the water, for what I think was the first time in my life, I was accepted.
I am accepted. I feel at home.
I belong.
My physical flaws are exposed in all their lumpy-bumpy glory. It's not possible to hide under the water. I don't need to.
I am held by the water, I am contained, I am safe.
The friends I have made are all a touch odd in their own way, all are a little eccentric, all have shiny souls of epically gargantuan proportions and all ridicule, torment and laugh at one another at every available opporchancity.... But the support is like nothing I have ever experienced.
It is unconditional. It is awesome.
Some of those I swim with, my friends, some of them don't know that they saved my life each day for a very long time.
You will never realise the importance of your presence in my life.
I really am a lucky lady.
I truly am grateful for your friendship and everything it brings (generally food!! ... Haribo... Beige food....)
And so to the swim....
I don't think for a second I will do very well.
I may even be last in my age group.
But that's ok.
That's more than ok in fact.
I am here. In Eindhoven. At the European Masters.
I am alive.
I chose life.... And life is good.
In fact, life is fricking awesome. My life is fricking awesome.
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Outlaw Begins
Entry for Outlaw opened when I was in a field, in a tent, in deepest darkest Welsh Wales.
It would have been a perfect reason not to enter.
Soz guys, no Internet.
Instead, I duely found myself trudging to the Farmhouse and asking Dave if I could borrow the laptop.
Dave dutifully obliged. He wasn't going to refuse given that he can have months of Micky taking on the vision he has. Apparently I will be out of the swim in good time, the spectators will expect a quality triathlete. .... Instead....They will get me.
I had a look of terror/excitement/keeping fingers crossed Internet crashes look upon my face while I surfed the net n entered my details.
Details accepted. Congratulations Rach, you have a place.
Shit. That's exciting.... And scary.... Gah!! The year of FuckIt has a lot to answer to!!
I can do 1.2 of the 70.3 quite happily. I know I can swim. I would go so far as to say I can swim well. I know I can cycle the distance.... Not at any speed but I can cycle it.
Just to find some pace on the bike and a run then. I can do that.
I remember thinking during one of my swims 'oh my god I can't imagine getting out of the water n cycling 60 ish miles then starting a run after that'
Oh. Seems I'm gonna have to do more than imagine it.
I told my dad today, thinking he'd pass a usual comment about how I can't run, won't get up *that* hill, can't possibly go that far.
He didn't say anything.
No comment about stupidity, certainly nothing about pride or drive or stubbornness.
He used to run marathons. No pearls of wisdom. No words of support.
Silence.
Thank you. You just fuelled me more.
I haven't done a triathlon yet. I've got one in a few weeks, only a sprint distance but it's a start.
I don't have a road bike. Minor detail.
But I know what I have achieved in 2 years swimming.
I know why I have achieved in 2 years in my personal life.
I have 9 months.
A lot can happen in that time.
Life is in the process of shifting once more.
I will do this. I will do it well.
Sadly, you probably won't be there to see it
None of the people fueling my journey will see.
But they will get to learnt he results.
Being. It. On
Monday, 19 August 2013
Three Word Cycling
Loaned road bike.
Let's do this.
50 mile? Ok.
Bike is different.
Not my hybrid
Hills are unpleasant
Seat position different.
Pace yourself, Rach
Different is ok.
Bike much lighter
This isn't bad
Keep thinking positive
2 hours in
How far cycled?
24 miles, really?
Only second outing
Feeling quite proud
Aaaah, Bolton Abbey
Coffee, cake, perfect.
Time to return
Oh my god!
That REALLY hurts
Shorts been rubbing
Pass the Vaseline
Pass the sudocreme
Ow ow ow
How far home?
I hate this!!
Shut up chimp!!
You can't cycle
Slow, lagging behind
Holding them back
Shut up chimp!!
I'm so sore
I hate this
Jesus!! More hills
Gear level stuck
FUCKING CHANGE GEAR
Ok Rach, calm
Sing a song.
See, that's better.
Keep going Rach
Just keep swimming
Swimming is nice
Swimming isn't cycling
Swimming is fun
Cold water euphoria
Hot, sweaty, stinky
This isn't fun
This is hell
I hate cycling
SHUT UP CHIMP
Life is good
Having nice time
Stop lying Rach
You hate this
It's ok really
Just different bike
Almost home, see!
Few more hills
Road bike lighter
Cycling is easier
Hybrid is heavy
Just keep going
Think positive thoughts
Pedal. Pull. Push.
Pedal. Pull. Push
Sharon taken down
Didn't expect that.
Mark clipped wheel
All it takes
Boom!! On deck!!
Ok be careful.
Keep going Rach
Nice n steady
Tired. Sore. Grumpy.
Just keep going.
Back at Sharon's
Coffee, Mars bar
Stretch everything out.
That was awful.
Never cycling again.
Every part hurts
Want to cry
Till next time
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
So where to begin?
I have read too many blogs lately that have made me cry - not in a bad way, they have been inspirational, full of sacrifice and achievement. Some of these have been strangers who I hope will become friends.
They have stirred my soul to the point of tears.
I have been on 'this stage' of my journey since my 30th. At some point I will need to do some back filling as to how I went from depressed couch potato to open water swimmer who has just agreed to do a half iron man in 2014 with a view to doing a full in 2015.
This is gonna be the story of the tantrums along the way, this is the next chapter of being me.
Me, but better.
They have stirred my soul to the point of tears.
I have been on 'this stage' of my journey since my 30th. At some point I will need to do some back filling as to how I went from depressed couch potato to open water swimmer who has just agreed to do a half iron man in 2014 with a view to doing a full in 2015.
This is gonna be the story of the tantrums along the way, this is the next chapter of being me.
Me, but better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)