Time

Time is a very strange phenomenon that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

Sometimes it feels as though it is zooming by.

The older I get, the quicker it goes. Rationally, I know this is simply because each day is a smaller percentage of my life.

Sometimes it is frozen n the hours creep at a snails pace. 

I know when I am giddy-excited for something, time feels like it is a ten tonne weight being pulled through wet sand by a door mouse.

It drags, it is slow and lumbering.

Yet when that giddy-exciting time i have been looing forward to finally arrives, it is over in a blink.

How is that even fair?

Winter distorts time. It distorts me. It seems to be dark constantly.

Suddenly I find myself viewing the John Lewis Christmas advert wondering how it came to be 'that time of year again'. Then I realise it isn't. They are just trying to trick me.

It is still only November.... Or it was when I started writing this blog.... Time didn't allow me to finish when I wanted. Other stuff with other deadlines got in the way. 

People keep telling me that christmas is starting earlier each year.

Nope. No its definitely not. It definitely still begins at start of advent. Or Christmas Eve depending on beliefs. I'd even allow when the kids break up from school or Mad Friday.

But not November.

I am 3 weeks into 30 weeks of Outlaw training.... Or I was when I started writing this blog. I am now 4 weeks. Maybe its even 5, my track of time is so distorted currently. It passes so quickly. 

Does it even matter? 

I have lost 2 months of my life somewhere. 

It has vanished. 

Lost to hospital corridors, traffic jams, information overload n sleep.

I want to paint. No, I NEED to paint. 

I need to create, to take pictures. To be. 

Yet I haven't got time 'spare'. 

I would be rushing and then feel more frustrated than if I hadn't started at all. 

I visited a dear friend last week n opened the visit with 'I cant stay long'. That's so shit. 

A part of me wished I hadn't bothered going. I miss her though.

My fleeting visit made me miss her more. 

I spent this weekend with my other mother, Wilky. I hadn't seen her since January.

We have chatted about life, God, the Universe n David Beckham.

We have chatted about how so many lives can change so drastically in such a short space of time.

Wilky suddenly found herself retired due to ill health n currently living by the seaside. Her daughter, who was single not long since is 6 now months married, 5 months pregnant and has also had a miscarriage since getting married.

Time is playing tricks.

At the start of 2013, my life didn't look like this.

There were fireworks n the freedom from ThatMan, it wasnt meant to be n life simply got in the way. He was, and is, a lovely man. He will remain in my life as a friend. We just changed shape due to circumstance. He played a very important role in the story of my life.

He freed me. 

I suspect he doesn't have the first clue about how important he really was. But I will remain grateful for all time.

Relationships can change literally overnight.

Friends who were dear to us, drift. Often without reason, warning or a goodbye. 

Partners needs change. People grow upwards and away until we no longer recognise who they are. We have lightening bolt moments with strangers.

BOOM!! All change. There is a cartoon shaking of the head and wondering 'when did this become my life?' 

I am struggling to find time to train. Swimming is a thing I used to do at the moment.... I need to change this.  Running and cycling need more time but are terribly unpleasant for me at the moment. I am bak in the depths of SAD n unmotivated. 

The training would help the SAD and the positivity would spiral. 

I will get back on it.

When I have time....