I'm not a completely heartless cow, although parts of this may read as if I am. I won't apologise for that. This is my blog.
I don't cope very well with change.
I never have.
Leaving work was never going to be pleasant and there were many tears at bedtime - I very nearly didn't go for my last shift - it would have been the easiest thing in the world.
Instead, i spent the night before wrapping presents for the kids, writing individual cards stuffed full of meaning and love while hot salty tears leaked from my eyes.
That was last Thursday. The day my mum went to the Dr's. The Dr sent her to the hospital. The hospital sent her home. Come back if you get worse. Your x-ray results will be back in 10 days.
Friday she is worse, I can hear her shaking in her voice. I phone for an ambulance as I am unable to take her. She refuses to go to hospital.
Saturday comes and I am tired, I am emotionally drained from leaving work, a difficult week of training and courses - domestic violence and restorative justice.
I need to swim, I need to swim in the cold. I need to giggle with my friends.
So thats what we did. We laughed, we laughed lots.
Hannah must think we are all slightly unhinged. She blends among us perfectly and I am glad she is there. She has a long way to go, but if anyone will get there, Hannah will. Her determination is inspiring. Lisa says she's like me, in that, she is told something, processes it, then repeats until she gets it..... then moves onto next task. She is like a sponge.
I cant wait to help her more with her open water swimming next year. Her Outlaw performance will be awesome. But more of that later.
So Saturday, I played - Sunday I did a muddy runny thingy (which was disappointing compared to the last one we did)... and then I got the message saying my mum had been rushed to hospital.
I arrived just as she was being transported to Intensive Care. She had only just made it in time by the sounds of it. Her blood pressure was through the floor (it is normally high) and she had pneumonia.
We now know it is legionnaires. We know her heart isn't working properly due to all the drugs she is on. We know her lungs are gonna be seriously damaged for a while.
But she is making progress. Her resting HR is not longer 160.
Monday came and I went to enrol at Uni (was also invited for a job interview), Tuesday came and I was at Uni, Wednesday came and I started back at my old job, Thursday came and I was attending course on Sexual Health training.
I can't do the 'sitting at the end of the bed, waiting needlessly for something to happen while wailing thing' that so many others can do so well. I can't effect change so I may as well be busy in ways I CAN effect change.
More than that though, I won't be a hypocrite.
We are not close. My relationship with my mother isn't 'all that'
There are HUGE things we dont agree on regarding events that took place in the past - things that have shaped who we are individually and the shape our relationship takes.
I had a captive audience - I could say anything I needed and wanted to say to her. She had to lay there and listen to every word.
I was mute. There were no words.
What was the point?
Will this experience change her if she makes it? Does it matter?
She will still be the same woman who lied to me, let me down and failed me. Repeatedly.
She will still be the woman who gave me life.
I am who I am because of the things I have experienced.
I haven't seen her since Tuesday - I have been full of cold. They wouldnt let me in to ICU. It gave me reason not to go.
I dont need to go.
It took me a long time to break away, to forge a life, to be free from her.
She could have avoided this. I am angry that she didnt take the ambulance I rang for on the Friday. I am angry she didnt go on the Saturday.
My days are long, my sister is beside herself, my dad is breaking my heart. For the first time in about 5 years, he is wearing his hearing aid. This shit is real. That is my measure, my dad wearing his hearing aid.
I am having information overload.
I may dislike my mother, but she is still mine and there is an attachment, however disfunctional - I love her. This confuses me..... and I think it always will.... and thats ok.
The support I have had from my friends has taken my breath away.
Literally.
There are some people who simply rock me to the core with their amazingness.
They know who they are and they touch my soul and if they dont, I will tell them in person and give them huge snogs and many squishes.
For now, I have a half Iron Distance Triathlon to train for (and a blog to write about my sprint tri), the Nationals are in a few weeks, I have homework to do for Uni and an assignment to set up, a swim coaching course to complete, a job interview to prepare for, new kids to learn about and fall in love with, old staff to protect myself from, a mother to visit and a dad to keep an eye on and teach some life skills to. I need to see my friends and keep some sort of normality (whatever that is) in my life.
I need time to myself, I need to paint, I need to sort my house and keep the SAD at bay for as long as possible (tidy house, tidy mind and all that).
I need to hibernate for a while.
I need another holiday.
I need a hug. I need a hug from the one person who cant give me one right now.
But I can wait....
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