Use it or lose it

Use it or lose it is quite a well known saying and phenomenon.  It applies to many things, skills, talents, second language use etc.

 

Our muscles 'forget' some of what they know and become weaker, our neural paths become diminished.

 

This is particularly true of swimming - if you dont stay on top of it, the body can lose the feel for the water, the ability to catch the water quickly and efficiently can be lost, as can water specific fitness. 

 

I know I lose water fitness quickly - currently, I feel like someone has filled me with sand.  I am heavy and slow, my ability to drag myself through the water is less than impressive.

I have had about 3 weeks of hit and miss training - nothing consistent and nothing much of any real value training wise (drills, speed or endurance).

 

The age group nationals are this weekend.  I have entered 1500m Friday, 800m free and 50m Breaststroke on Saturday. While it was never my focal point for this year and indoor isn't really my 'thing' I do enjoy the nationals and it would be nice to go and perform better than I did last year.

 

The Universe has conspired against me lately.... and thats ok.  It has been throwing other fabulous (and some not so fabulous) stuff in my direction.

 

My head is a bit of a shed though currently.  I need to swim regularly.  It is a real need. I am happier when I have been submerged in water.  It is theraputic.  So when I can't or don't swim, I know I become a bit of a grump.

 

Combine this with the fact I suffer from SAD, which hasn't so much been knocking on my door this week - it has been throwing bricks at my window, leaning on the doorbell, shouting abuse through the letter box and generally following me round like a bad smell. 

 

Last year, for the first time in a long time, I managed to get a hold on it.  We became aquainted in a nicer, almost friendly way and found space to exist side-by-side without causing each other too much damage.  I beefed up, got myself strong and kicked some ass...... ish.

 

However, over the summer months, I haven't needed to use these SAD coping muscles and they have vanished.  I am as weak as a kitten.

 

 

So Monday rolled round with all the excitement of a job interview and the potential for more growth, more chaos, a new challenge and loveliness in my life (cos I havent got enough going on!).

 

I also had a visit from @TheIron_Bear, which started life as a chat about training plans over dinner and an airport run and quickly turned into a training session and dinner/discussion followed by abandonment while I (selfishly) raced off to better my career!

 

Monday was the first time in a while I was able to swim - shifts, hospital visits, falling off the face of the earth for a while all contibuted to this.  I missed it.

I was giddy to get in the water and found myself outside the pool at 6.45 on my day off, waiting for it to open.

 

Once submerged, there was nothing - no strength, no grip, no power, no speed, no happiness, no confidence, no excitement. 

 

Nothing.

 

Fuck. That wasnt meant to happen.  I knew my mojo had gone...... but WTF?

 

My inner conversation and rest of swim session went something like this.....

 

Swim another length or 2, warm up, do 200m, it'll come, its been a while.  

Yeah, its not though.

Give it a while.

Dont look at the clock.

I feel like lead

It'll come, keep going.

What if it doesnt?

Shit, look how far behind you are

You should be able to keep up.

You're not even near their toes.

 

 

Dave, Louise, Hannah and Andy all discuss the set -

"Count me out guys, I'll just get frustrated, I'll keep out of your way and do some drills. I havent swum in ages"

 

 

Ok Rach, c'mon now.  Sort it out.

You're just being stupid.

Whatever.

You're slower than last year.

You're using all this as an excuse. 

You're gonna show your self up at weekend.

I can't do this. I feel like shit.

 

 

Stops at end of lane - has positive words with self.

 

 

Right, youve been out of water, this bit isn't a race, this is your first session back.

Stop being so negative.

The feel for the water will come.

Just be kind to youself, focus on technique.

You knew this was going to happen

 

 

Sets off swimming. I am totally disconnected from myself, I have no feel in the water, my arms and legs are doing their own sweet thing and frankly, I am knackered. A little bit of me doesnt actually care.  I look at the clock and realise I am blowing out of my arse and 50s are taking me about a week to swim.

 

 

Remember, be kind to yourself.

Just give in, you can't do this.

Who are you kidding, you have no right to be there at weekend.

I have every right to be there at weekend.

Swimming like this?

No you dont, look at you, you're just gonna show your self up.

Keep going if you think that....

 

 

Misses tumble turn and stops dead at end of pool.

 

See peice of shit.

Fraud.

You wanna race 1500 Friday and then race again Saturday.

 







This went on till I got out.

I got out to make the voice stop.

 

I needed to cry.  I needed hot salty tears that refused to fall.  They wouldn't fall because I am not unhappy.  I am very happy - I have a lot I am greatful for right now and I have lots to look forward to.  But I am suffering from this fake depression once again.

AND IT ANNOYS ME.  I dont have time for it, I dont like it and I dont want it.

 

But it refuses to leave me.

 

So...... I must learn to love it again. And I will.  Eventually.  Hopefully soon. It is part of who I am.

 

It impacted on my training session with Bear.  I found myself saying 'no more' and hitting stop on the treadmill - that isnt like me.  I am stubborn. Incredibly stubborn. My body could've kept going.  My head was about to explode with all the noise going on in there. I did it to stop the noise.

 

Right now, I have lost all my muscle memory.  It will come back though - I have faith and I am prepared to work.  The work is easier than the crippling pain that seeps in if the SAD is allowed to take over.

 

So.... on top of everything else, I am going to war with myself. 

 

And I will win.

 

 

 

 

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.