"bursting into [someone's] life like a rhino, riding an elephant with a bull tied to its tail, screaming silently, demanding to be loved."
Bit extreme, but that is how they experienced me.
My experience of them is slightly different. And hopefully more eloquent.
I have been pondering this phenomenon we call love.
It is, in essence, science. Nothing more than a chemical reaction.
Our senses absorb A. N. Other in every way possible - as we absorb, if we are blessed, our receptors like what they see, smell, touch, taste and we become more aware, more alive. We become more in-tune, primitive chemicals awaken which will (hopefully) ensure our mate is a good match. Thus this *thing* called love is experienced as an internal sensation. Its impact on our external world can be huge.
We say 'we are in love' and falsely assume that others know what we are talking about. It is subjective. Each chemical reaction is different.
Sometimes, we are attracted, we cannot help it. We can choose to try fight it, but this can be futile. We may be attracted to those we are 'not supposed to be attracted to'
Magical things happen, people cast their own unique spell on us and we become enchanted by them.
This can be a truely wonderous positive experience, or it can become destructive and harmful. The chemical balance can tip too far. It is easy for people to become addicted and greedy.
When we fall in love, we do not own the person, they are not obliged to love us in return. If they do return the love, we are blessed, but it might be a different shape and colour altogether. We cannot make someone love us. It happens. Or not.
If they dont return the love, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with us, nor does it mean there is something wrong with them. It means they have different chemicals and different needs. That's all.
A very dear friend spoke to me recently about new roller skates (by way of an analogy). He had seen the twinkle in my eye.
"Don't just keep looking at the skates in the box, Rach, take them out, try them on for size."
If I liked how they fit, I should play out on them for a little while.
I took his advice. Problem being, once I'd put them on, I didn't want to take them off. I wanted to play on them EVERYDAY.
I felt comfortable and confident on them. My second and third outing on them made me feel alive.
I felt free. My world was fizzing with delight - it was gathering momentum and spinning in giddy, joyous circles.
I refuse to take my roller skates off. I like them. They were comfy from the outset, if I fall over, I will get back up - it doesn't mean I have to take them off.
The friend who spoke to me about my new roller skates touched my soul and taught me about human goodness. We sat one day and I offered him a piece of my soul and my past, he accepted it and has tucked it somewhere where I know it will be safe. He taught me that no matter how big the magnetism, how delicious the chemical reaction may be, sometimes, it is better to not find out. Sometimes, the love contained within a friend is greater than the physical urge can ever be. He taught me that it is safe to love.
In my ponderings, I have realised that some of the problem with relationships is that we don't communicate well enough.
I have recently done lots of training courses - some involved being blindfolded and drawing what a partner instructed - what I produced, what they said and what they were describing at were all very different things. Similarly when I described something, it didn't translate to the picture being drawn.
Try it - then realise that actually, you may not communicate as well as you might.
Then consider your needs - what are these? Are they needs or are they wants? Can you meet them yourself? Do you expect your partner to meet them? Do you expect a family member or friend to meet them? What will happen if they are not met?
We all bring different things to the table and we all have different needs - these will change over time, often without us realising and certainly without warning. When this happens, the kindest thing we can do is be honest with ourselves and each other.
I have mixed feelings about commitment. I believe in marriage. I believe in saying to the world;
'This is my mate - this is the person I have chosen - this is the place my soul feels at home and can twinkle its brightest. This is the person who makes it safe for me to be who I truly am - they accept all my parts without wanting to change or fix them.'
What happens when love isn't enough? What happens when the commitment has been made and needs change? I think its possible for a relationship and people to evolve, for the love to change shape. Sometimes, this will never be possible. The chemicals change.
So I have decided to trust again. I am trusting my own judgement. I am trusting my ability to stay upright on my roller skates.
Every now and then, people surprise - this has been happening to me a lot lately.
Lots of people have surprised me in lots of ways.
I have been shown glimpses of human goodness. I have been invited into a world that has been kept private from others. Apparently, it wasn't so much invited, more the 'Ta-dah - I'm here' thing I spoke of, and as such, 'they' are helpless.
I blame the chemicals personally. I didn't mean to burst into anyone's world. But I'm glad I did!!
My world has been infiltrated too.
But in a much more serene way. Someone put a giant magnet in the foreground of my life and switched it onto full pull. I am powerless to escape. I don't want to escape.
The feeling created by the magnet, I can only liken to a raisin being placed in a glass of Champagne. It is, what appears to be endless bubbles n fizz, there is constant movement (which appears to be effortless). There is more than a hint of sweetness and the celebration of life being good. Yet it is calm and unhurried.
My soul is currently shiny sparkly. I hope it stays this way.
If for any reason, the chemicals change, I hope that there will be enough love to be honest - I hope that we will remain in love enough, that it will simply change shape, that we will evolve.
I hope I remain secure enough that I never try to contain or cling, that the rhythm we have settled into continues.
For now? Huzzah for chemicals!!! ;-)
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